Dinner Out

A dinner out with Dan if I acted like baby Eve.

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Waiter: "Good evening. Would you like to see the menu?"

Dan: "Yes, please."

Me: (Clapping)

Waiter: " The specials tonight are Ritz crackers and oatmeal cookies."

Me: (More clapping.)

Dan: "Um, okay. That sounds kind of strange for a 4-star restaurant, but I'll go with it."

An appetizer tray appears moments later. The Ritz crackers have an unknown pasty substance on them. The oatmeal cookies are bite sized.

Dan: "Look, dear! Your favorites."

Me: Looking at them skeptically. I take a small bite.

Dan: "You know, hon, if you don't like it, just put it on the side of your plate. Letting it drop out of your mouth like that is rather embarrassing."

Me: More tongue spitting.

Dan: "Let's move onto the cookies, shall we?"

Me: Clapping and giggling.

Dan: Takes a bite of the cookie first. "Um, I'm not sure you're going to like this kind. It definitely has a different flavor."

Me: I take a huge bite and start gagging.

Dan: "Sweetie, little bites. Little bites. And please don't throw your food on the floor. If you don't like it, I'll take it from your plate."

Me: "Uh-oh."

Dan: "I said stop it. Stop dropping your food. Do you want some more crackers, then?"

Me: Clamping mouth shut. Can't penetrate. Starting to grunt.

Dan: "Oh dear. Sweetie, it really is considered uncouth to mess your pants at the table. Can you wait until the bathroom."

Me: More grunting. Face turning red.

Dan: "Are you all done, then? All done?"

Me: "Dada!"

Dan: "Waiter! Check, please. This food was atrocious. My very accepting wife could hardly swallow one morsel. We will never be visiting this restaurant again."

Waiter: Sees food all over floor and smells something fowl. "I'm sorry your visit was not to your satisfaction sir. Can you please tell your wife to stop wiping her nose on my jacket?"