The Mother Inside

In my camera I have 30 pictures to download, optimize and display which would make you think that I'm a creative, energetic and fun momma. They're really fun and inspiring. But I can't do that right now because I'm in one of those moods. 

If you're anything like me, you know the one. After a nice cycle of balance and rest and peace for several days, one foot trips the other and the weeks snowballs into a potpourri of half done life. Well meant intentions stay in the realm of intentions: Eating healthier works until some distressing news finds solace in the pantry. Balancing between rest and play becomes a half-baked attempt in which one is never really asleep or awake. 

I swear that that statement about "half done life" is in the job description of every mother. The job starts off easily enough: "Oh, c'mon honey... a baby sounds like so much fun!" There are baby showers which allude to the work ahead but are cleverly disguised in fresh and funky prints. Then the mother-to-be watches one too many Friends episodes in which parenting is considered cute and coordinated and is caught unawares.

Now before someone sounds "Don't be hatin'"... I'm not. In fact, I was just thinking in the car today that I really, really love being a mother. I love how Morgan brings me back to the basics of living. I love how Eve is just pure life. I love the downscaling & the simplifying; I love taking care of their little bodies and minds and feeding the kindling of their spirits. Love it.

I guess my beef with parenting is that I'm not too good with letting go of my old life. Sometimes I have my own tantrum when I want to design on my schedule, my budget, my terms. I don't want to cook dinner quickly. I want it to be slow and methodical and relaxing. And while I'm at it: I want all my ingredients to be pre-measured like they show on those half hour Food Network cooking shows.

Yesterday I saw this über cool Easter cake project which involves cake mix, frosting, lollipop sticks, melted chocolates and little candies. Just reading the supply list should have caused me to run for cover. But no, no... the little "oh-its-so-pretty-can-I-have-it" girl inside me surfaced and before I knew it, I was twenty bucks lighter at Jo*anns Fabric store contemplating when the dickens I'm going to have time to make these buggers. 

I'm torn... Do I feed the messy artist in me or tell her to wait for her rainy day to come? 

I wrestle. A lot.

Just now I remembered this verse from Romans (7:21-23), which describes what I feel a great deal:

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.

Now I'm not calling pleasure or creativity "sin". It's not that. 

But I do recognize that I want. It. All. 

I want perfection and, well, I can't have it. Not here. Not possible. 

So for today, if I want to embrace my child, I'm going to embrace the cold that comes with her. And if I want to enjoy making some crazy lollypop-cake delights, then there's a mess to clean up. They're all one big bundle called life. 

That's all for now. Soon I'll have those fun blog posts that are cooped up in my camera and mind, but for now... a little honesty and a little nap. :)