In previous birthdays, I have had a definite "this is a good age" or "I'd rather be younger" feeling. I remember starting to feel like an adult at age 25. Birthdays 18-21 were fun. My first teen-aged birthdays were greeted with giddy delight; If memory serves, my aunt bought me a subscription to "TEEN" magazine. The periodical was beautifully dribbled with makeover before and afters and some articles about boys, fashion and eating habits. But most importantly, it said "TEEN" on its cover to cue my arrival.
When this 35th birthday arrived I thought something profoundly simple: "By golly, I'm the age I have always been." If this is a bit cryptic for your tastes, it just means that when I was 13, I wasn't ever particularly fun, in my mind. I held the weight of a 35 year old. When I turned 26, I still had the furrowed brow of a 35 year old. And when I had actually turned 35, I felt something different... not thrilled, not horrified... I felt like my flesh and time had finally met up. I figure that when I'm twice this age, I'll still act like I'm 35 and I'll be thought of as immature.
Now, as a certified 35 year old (*wink*) I did start to have some misgivings about my life. Birthdays are great for tugging us a little more towards wisdom. I realized, with some surprise, that I have spent most of my life feeling really unsure about who I am and what makes me tick. You know how some people are known for... I don't know... being healthy or being organized or being witty? I have struggled a great deal in embracing the quirks and idiosyncrasies of being Emily.
But now, I'm bringing the weaknesses to God and asking Him to help me still be me, only braver.
1. When making purchases, have a peace about it.
Ugh. I am one of the most indecisive people ever when it comes to decisions. And purchases made with a crying baby or a pleading 5 year old pulling on me do not improve my decision making process. So now I am trying to step back from a purchase, ask myself honestly if I have the room for it in my home and if it is worth maintaining. If I don't have a true peace about it, I need to not buy it.
Case in point: This weekend my neighbor was selling some amazing furniture at her yard sale. It was all I could do to resist an über cute desk set and adorable dining set. They were vintage; I melt at the word "vintage"... I called Dan at work to ask him his thought. Honestly, I had hoped he would say no. Instead, he said it was my decision. Grrr... I must have visited the furniture three times. After going through my entire house, room by room, I finally realized that I had no proper place for any of it. I said no and I'm glad for it. Plus, I reasoned that that cute furniture should probably be in someone else's house. Decision made.
2. Before I try to contact someone, ask myself if I'm doing it because I'm afraid of quiet or if I really feel that I should call them.
I love to connect with people. But even more, I love to get the dish on my girlfriends and have a good laugh or cry or pep talk. Being a Mom affords me the opportunity to have constant peopleage (it's a new word) in my life, but speaking "ba ba" to my squishy baby is hardly edifying socially. So I find myself calling people. At times I do it frantically, like the talk-crazed mother that I am. And then I think, "Did I honestly just call that person to fill in a half hour?" *Horrified*
In a nutshell, I'm learning to ask God for peace about connecting with others. Strangely enough, I have spent many-a-prayer asking God that I might have time with... the man I married. I'm delighted to say that God is very interested in me spending time with Dan. 'Nuff said.
3. Pause before making a time commitment to an organization and then, if prodded, join with a glad heart.
Shortly after the ultrasound which revealed that our baby would be "Eve" and not "Evan"... I began to think about life with two girls. Our church has a club for young girls called GEMS which meets Tuesday evenings. I talked with Dan about the commitment and he asked great questions like "How much time will it take?" and "Will I still get dinner?" I just had my first leader's meeting this week and I am really excited about doing something I believe in...
Being generous in heart and wise with time.
4. Whatever I do, ask for God's presence and peace.
Alright, this sounds totally full of fluff, but it makes sense to me. I tend to put my concerns into two categories: Things God cares about and Things God doesn't give a hoot about. This is really wrong theology, I finally admitted. And then I put faith into practice.
For weeks now I have looked longingly at my sewing table (also doubles as my dining table) and wanted to create. I've fretted a good deal about this ridiculousness until I asked myself, "Do you believe God cares about this?" When the answer came back, "Heck, yeah!", then I asked God for the peace to sew and the time to do so. On Wednesday, baby Eve slept like a trooper and the coffee filled my veins nicely, so I sewed. Soon I shall share pics of the dropcloth curtains I sewed for our TV room ... in one day. Whoohoo!
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