When my daughter Morgan was born 4 years ago, my parents were recently separated. It was immensely difficult.
Subconsciously I had reasoned that my parents gave their all to their 5 children and left none for each other; that was why they separated. And subconsciously I refused to let Morgan get in the way of the health of my marriage.
It didn't occur to me that I had these feelings for my daughter- these feelings of anxiety- as if she were a marital time bomb waiting to explode in a decade or two. In fact, it didn't occur to me at all until one day, when asking a friend how to take care of an infant, I added, "I don't want her to come between me and Dan." Yikes. Did I really SAY that? Did I really FEEL that way?
I decided it was time for counseling. I was having a hard time allowing Morgan in my life. I went to a great counselor who had me do a very special homework project. She asked me to go and buy Morgan a gift. Better yet, she wanted me to take Morgan with me (she was 1-1/2 years old then) and have HER choose the gift.
I took Morgan to a store. She chose a ball with a smiley face on it. It cost less than a dollar. I tried to get her to choose something more flashy, but she insisted on the ball. What a weird homework assignment, I thought. But when I saw my daughter light up when she chased the green sphere around the store, something grinch-like melted away in me. I'm not sure what it was. I delighted in HER being delighted.
Fast forward to present day. I was at Meijer buying groceries. Since Morgan was at preschool, I had the opportunity to browse the toy section for Christmas gifts. I picked up a Fisher Price doctor set, imagining her responsible first-born nature taking care of her Daddy and her dollies. I picked up a few other things. Each one I chose with thought, being careful to not just buy something for a gift's sake. It has to be special.
This lesson is immensely spiritual to me. Fisher Price had no idea how important this act of buying gifts was for me. It was a sign of growth and love. It meant that I cared for her and wanted her to be delighted and provided for.
And then I remembered:
"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!"
Matthew 7:11
The Bible
4 comments:
Wow, thank you so much for being open and vulnerable to share something so personable. I'm so happy that you went to counseling and found that help. That certainly had to be a difficult time (and especially right when your daughter was born!). It is amazing to think that people are able to function on all the emotions people go through. Thank goodness for God's gift, otherwise we would all be doomed. Glad to hear that you are able to find things in the store so personal for little Morgan. She has a great Mom.
That's really, really cool, Em. Thanks for sharing!
Morgan is SO blessed to have you as her Momma, Em. She is wealthy beyond measure that your Mother's heart is being lavished on her.
Oh Em, this was such a wonderful post. Like Sarah said, Morgan is so blessed to have you a her momma! Know that just that fact alone is a gift that she will always cherish.
K
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