Humbled

I'm humbled. Truly humbled.

For some reason, I thought that having a second child meant you had "seniority" when it came to child-rearing. Be able to pass over those awkward firsts with a little more grace and understanding. And for the most part it's true. 

But I am completely and totally humbled by the sheer effort it takes to do one thing: feed the children. I either had no idea or my mind was so traumatized by the first round of motherhood that it blocked out all recollection of this activity. 

For the record: I am totally in love with Morgan and Eve. Totally. They are the best people (next to Dan) who ever happened to me. 

And because I desperately wanted to have this baby, I told myself that I would give it all I got. Breastfeeding, enjoying the baby... I would enjoy every diaper wiping I could. I would keep myself rested so I could remember Morgan's funny quips and Eve's little firsts. It's a noble goal and somewhat attainable. 

So here's the humbling part: no amount of "mind over matter" will take away the bone-aching tiredness I have at the end of the day when my 5 year old is watching TV, fed herself random dry goods (Cheerios, mostly) and I'm sacked out, half naked with a baby girl chewing on me like a 2 day old piece of gum. 

T'ain't pretty. 

I'm totally humbled by that picture... I want to be AWAKE and ENERGETIC and ponder all those wonderful things that the girls do at their ages. 

I know, I know... I have a young child and I should give myself time, grace, rest... but I was *hoping* that I'd get a "get-out-of-jail-free" card with regard to the whole sleepy thing. Don't ask me why... I just hoped. I guess every fertility-struggler has some measure of "the gratitude for my new baby will be the nourishment I need to survive". 

I don't think I'm alone in this sentiment, but not many women will admit to me that, by golly, they're so wicked tired that breastfeeding is their only clue to reminder that they are woman. For some reason the glee of being a mother snuffs out their tiredness and they're able to find strength in that. 

But I know you're out there. And I have clues, too... from the Bible:

Because BEFORE Jesus was born, Mary was all "tra la la la la".

Then when she delivered Jesus, she "pondered these things in her heart". 

But then after those first moments together... hmmm... we don't hear Mary's thoughts anymore. It could be because her scribe ran dry (doubtful). 

Could be that she was busy making wedding plans. (Perhaps.) 

Most likely, it's because she was wicked, wicked tired and was trying to catch onto the ever elusive breastfeeding "latch". And since all her visitors appeared to be of the male gender, she was up a creek when it came to lactation consultants. 

That's my take, anyway. And I'm not trying to be sacrilegious. Think about it: much said BEFORE Jesus birth and then... not so much. 

She was tired.

So there you have it... I'm humbled. One day my posts will fall more into the "you'll never believe the cute thing my girls did" column, but for today, I gotta go. Gotta feed the kids.