Baby Dykstra

This morning Dan and I found out some very sad news. It appears that our 9 week pregnancy has lost the heartbeat it showed last week.

We're going into the hospital this evening to confirm, but my doc is almost 100% sure.

If he isn't, this child is going to be called Lazarus.

I came home crying. Morgan asked why I was sad. To put it simply, I told her that I thought I lost our baby. In true 3-year old innocence, she ran to her room and brought out one of her baby dolls. "Here, Mommy. You can have THIS baby." The beauty of this anguishing moment I will never forget.

The sadness is not as overwhelming as our July miscarriage. It's more of a numbing feeling. The deja vu of the moment is horrific, but it's also a bit comforting: I've been down this path before; I know that only time will heal.

I told Dan that I feel like a person who has lost her spouse shortly after taking a sunny vacation. The ring is gone, but the tan line shows where the ring was. Only time will erase its line.

The hymn "It Is Well With My Soul" has been going through my mind today; it's an appropriate hymn, written by Horatio Gates Spafford after he lost four daughters at sea. It's a beautiful hymn to know during this time.