Snapshots of Lament and Healing

The first night we found out about the loss, I couldn't stop crying. Naturally.

I lay in bed and wept bitterly. Dan joined me in bed, held me and said "Em, you can go limp and I'll catch you. I've got you."

I think he loves me.

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Friday morning Morgan was crying to Dan. "I lost my baby."

A little background: Morgan pretended she was pregnant with me. I was going to have a boy. She, a girl.

Anyway, she was crying to Dan: "I lost my baby. I lost my baby." Dan handed her her baby doll and said, "Here you go, honey. Here's your baby." "No," Morgan explained, "it was a REAL baby." She lost her pregnancy, too. She did understand.

Dan just held her while she cried.

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Email snippets from friends:
"Why, Lord?"
"If you need to talk..."
"We're praying for you..."
"I don't know what to say..."
"...devastating..."
"thanks for naming him..."
"terrible news..."
"my heart breaks for you..."

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A woman called me on the phone last night. Scratch that. A new friend called me on the phone last night. Some church friends told me about her. She has had multiple miscarriages and called to encourage me.

In the world of infertility, the abbreviation for multiple miscarriages is MMC. And while I hate very much that she is somewhat experienced in the field of "MMC", I very much needed to hear from her.

What a breath of fresh air. What a woman of courage. She spoke strongly of wanting children. Her first two pregnancies were rather breezy- no trouble conceiving, really. But as she approached her third pregnancy, she lost it. She had her last child when she was near 40, but her other two miscarriages (one of them with twins-so sad) were after 40.

She explained that she wanted children and that by all accounts she shouldn't have even had her last one, but there was one "hormone level" that the docs couldn't monitor, and that was the will of God.

The will of God. That bewildering, comforting, frustrating, heart-rending will of God. "...Children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God..." John 1:13

I have no idea if we will be granted more children. But I have heard of the courage of women who, through great suffering and loss, tried again and again.

And I am that woman? By God's will, yes.