Worth the Weight?

Recently I have been calling friends randomly (when
the spirit moves) and leaving messages:
"Will you still be my friend when I gain 100 pounds?"
Most say yes, but some have yet to answer my message.

My sister knows of a girlfriend who, when she was
expecting, craved Ravioli... straight from the can.
She would actually buy the COSTCO bulk cans and eat it
straight from there. If memory serves, I believe she
even had trouble getting the cans home; sometimes she
ate it in the parking lot. My sister had a baby shower
for said friend and when she arrived, my sister had to
ask who she was. I'm not kidding. She had gained so
much weight that my sister did not recognize her.

Please don't let that happen to me.

The problem is that this fetus can tell the difference
between something that is "Splenda-rific" and vats of
fat. Last night I managed to find some dairy products
that were lower fat and were palatable, but if given
the opportunity, I would eat ganache like soup.

I use humor to mask my true feeling of horror. So next
time you see me, if I'm tubby, lie. Say I look svelt.
Deny I have a large derriere.

But if you try to offer me low fat dessert and pass it
off as full-flavor, you will know the wrath of fetus.