I've taken a sabbatical from writing anything related to fertility issues, but lately some really beautiful spiritual lessons have risen from them. I had to share.
First of all, in the past whenever I have had miscarriages my main goal was the following:
1. Try to "get over it" as soon as possible. Get to the stage where the pain was just a blip on the timeline of life.
2. Heal.
3. Brush the dust off my knees and try to get pregnant again.
I could handle that thinking for the first miscarriage and even the next few chemical pregnancies, but after my January 2007 loss, I was broken. I couldn't "get over it".
I realized something at that point that has changed my life ever since: Faith is now. The pain, the joy-- it's all part of the script. You can't pause life to "get back on track". Nope. God wants that relationship always. He wants us when we're gritty or squeaky clean. There's no coming to God when we're "prepared" or "ready". He wants our wrestlings and all.
It was at that place that for the first time in my life I took at honest look at leaving God. If God was Almighty, why didn't He stop the losses?
I wrestled a great deal with God. I cursed. I cried. I ignored Him. I felt justified in all of this.
My friend Kathryn was bold enough to talk to me about real faith then. I don't remember the conversation entirely, except that after talking with her, I realized that if God was going to be God in my life, this was the time. This was the hour.
Since then I have lost one more pregnancy, but the grieving was very different. It was a joint grieving process, God and I holding hands and cursing the effects of sin in the world.
Today I am still hopeful for another child. I've just finished my first week of drugs for IVF with 3 more weeks to go. In the past I wouldn't have shared this information because I didn't want people to ask if "it worked" or to know if I failed or succeeded. But I don't feel that it's in my hands; it's in God's hands. If He wants it to work, it will.
People know about my failures, my body's failures, that is. But hopefully they'll notice that though my "outer man is wasting away, my inner man is being renewed day by day". 2 Corinthians 2:16
I should be floundering. I should be unable to stand. But I am being recreated:
"That is why waiting does not diminish us... We are enlarged in the waiting." (Romans 8 portion from The Message, a modern translation of the Bible.)
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7 comments:
So glad you are hand in hand with God right now as you continue to face this hard time in your life head on. I will continue to pray for you and several of my other friends who share this difficult journey.
It is amazing isn't it how God uses all things in our lives to refine us. He does want a relationship with us all the time and HE is to receive glory in all things. It is so humbling to think that He uses all our strengths and weaknesses to accomplish all this. You are an example Emily to the many who are watching you through this time. Praying for a miracle. :-)
Thank you for sharing, I didn't know how much I needed to hear that. No matter what the loss, or struggle, those words ring true.
You're awesome, Emils. (All the more because you'll respond, "No , I'm not.") Love ya.
Your words are inspiring, encouraging, and your faith is a testimony to God holding your hand through this. He's shaping you...and His work is amazing.
Love you, Em.
Em, you are a woman of faith, because even in your struggle you had faith that God would show you the way. Always praying...
K
Sweet Emily, it is the biggest revelation of faith when you can wholly place yourself in God's care and comfort and look beyond the World into His face. I can hear the angels singing It Is Well With my Soul. Truly He is dancing over you with joy tonight.
Love,
Mercy
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