Some of you will be able to relate and some of you will have no blazing idea what I'm talking about. But by the end of this post, you'll be glad to know that my days of pregnancy thoughts are numbered.
*ahem*
So today Morgan and I went to two stores: Tar*get and Babie*s R Us. When you're pregnant and you go to Tar*get– or any store for that matter– people generally have mercy on the ladies with the waddle. Sometimes people let me in line in front of them. Sometimes they make small chat. Generally the atmosphere is one of goodwill towards men.
There is a totally different scene in Babie*s R Us. First, you fall into one of 3 camps:
1. The "oh-I'm-so-happy-I-just-found-out-I-was-5-weeks-pregnant-and-now-I'm-going-to-register-for-everything-in-the-store" camp.
2. The "oh-my-land-I'm-going-to-jump-on-a-pogo-stick-if-I-don't-deliver-this-baby-right-now" camp.
and
3. The "infant-who-is-puking-on-my-carefully-coordinated-carseat-cover-and-I-don't-even-care" camp.
First, the people who are newly pregnant are pretty easy to spot. For starters, they generally have their spouse with them if not an entire entourage of family who are eager to help them register for baby equipment. And BOY do they register. They ask for one of every size and color and brand... just to be safe... and they fall for the not-so-subtle marketing ploys in the name of safety: "Honey, I couldn't POSSIBLY buy the blue bottles... they remind me of chlorine water and would be unsafe for little junior."
Lest I sound too jaded, I, too, was a member of this camp. In fact, to quote my husband, "Em, I work for an OIL company and I think there's more money in baby equipment. That's sad, " he said as we registered for everything pastel.
The second batch of campers come in a variety of shapes and sizes. Generally they are found waddling, holding their back and moving at a slow pace. When the aisle gets too crowded for TWO pregnant women, they size each other up to determine who gets the right-of-way. It's all done very subtlely of course: "Oh, when are you due, " they ask innocently. The one with the largest tummy or the slowest waddle may get preference. And when it comes to waiting in line for purchases, there is an unsaid rule that those who look to be in the most pain are allowed to butt in line. I haven't mastered the "look" for said pain, but I have allowed a few in line in front of me.
This brings me to my last camp of women: The new mother. She is easy to spot as well because her hair is in a pony tail, she has a crying baby and sometimes her socks don't match. The new mother ALWAYS gets to be front in line, especially if her baby is wailing.
And when one is in line with the "new mother", one would do well to ask how old the baby is, how delivery was, etc. The "newly pregnant" women don't really care about this information; they simply want to see how cute the baby is and secretly think that their baby will be cuter. They also take note of coordinating outfits and whether or not they are organic.
Meanwhile, it takes all the strength of a lion for the "deliver me" mommas to not rub the heads of the new mothers for luck. They want desperately to deliver and are not so interested in being king-of-the-line as being at the end-of-their-line, if you catch my drift.
There is one more camp of consumer that is worth the mention: My personal favorite: The new fathers. If a new father comes by himself, you can bet your bottom dollar that he has fallen for every gimmick the store has thrown his way. He will have purchased the expensive "nursery water" and every brand name of toy for their child even though their offspring was born only one week before. And... and... the one thing they were supposed to purchase (diapers) will probably be forgotten. In the name of love. Give him a few months and he'll be a little less perky with the credit card. If he's smart, he'll regift them.
So there you have it: the ins and outs of the consumer guide pyramid at Babie*s R Us. It's a jungle out there, but I'm almost at the top. *wink*
5 comments:
Yeah...big time, yeah. At least as far as Babies R Us goes, that place is a racket! Nothing like being a new dad and wandering into a place like that with a little money and even less of an idea of what you need, only to be told, "I know it's expensive, but it's your baby!" by some 17-year-old sales clerk. Bah!
Oh but you forgot the never been a mother and not pregnant but shopping for a friend/family member. You can spot us by the overwhemled dear-in-headlights look and the smell of fear that surrounds us. We tend to move towards the cute, fluffy things and cringe at the breast pumps and other practical items. When faced with the desperate to deliver mom we tend to stare at the stomach with a mixed look of disbelief and horror. You won't find us near a new mom, unable to confront the screaming and puke we quietly slink away saying a prayer of thanks for birth control. And we secretly watch the new moms wndering "someday could I...?".
You forgot the grammas.We're the ones wandering around saying "I'm glad I had my kids when I did".We just had to shop the garage sales.Most of our stuff came from generous relatives after it had been through a coupla kids.The ritzy 2nd hand stores hadn't been invented yet.A whole aisle for binkies?Consumer guides for highchairs stacked two high?Lots of fodder for overwhelmism! However... if the grands really needed something, I bet I could elbow push and purse whack with the best of them to get to the appropriate aisle.
Ha ha this was cute!
Good luck to you Emily! You're almost there :)
Oh I'm quite thankful that we're out of the Babie*s R Us phase. I mean, it is completely wonderful if you are about to give birth or have just given birth, and I had my moments of baby-buying insanity, but between the crazy prices and clothes that are too adorable to resist, it's just safer if I stay away. LOL.
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