Almost

As Christians we are told that God has three basic answers for our questions in life: yes, no, and later.

But life is not black and white. Sometimes, much to our discomfort, God answers something gray. Sometimes he gives us answers like "almost".

A miscarriage is an "almost" kind of answer. To feel the effects of a growing little one inside, to see the heart beat and then...nothing...is an "almost" moment. There is such mystery in the "almosts" of life, leading us to wonder "what if life had taken a different direction?"

There is an excellent film which addresses this topic: "Sliding Doors". It features a woman (Gwyneth Paltrow) who is rushing home from work, but misses her train and as a result, does not find out that her boyfriend has been cheating on her. But then the film peels into another direction, rewinding to show what might have happened if she had caught the train and discovered her boyfriend's infidelity. It's a strong example of how one seemingly insignificant action could have such dramatic consequences. It's like watching two movies at once.

I bring this up because I'm nearing what would have been the due date of my June pregnancy, since the baby was due at the end of March. I imagine my parallel life; at this point in the pregnancy I probably would have reached that uncomfortable "can't tie my shoes" stage.

Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like had I kept that pregnancy. To be sure, I would not understand the depths of suffering that so very many women undergo in the world of infertility. Nor would I know the courage of those women. I would have taken my pregnancy for granted.

A friend recently helped me put the miscarriages in perspective: She told me that God was also grieving the loss of our little ones. That had not occurred to me. In a moment of meditation at church, I wondered how much God understood.

And then I wondered what might have happened if Mary had miscarried Jesus. It's a horrific thought, and nobody in their right mind would want to dwell on it. But bear with me. What if God had told Mary that she would "almost" carry the Messiah? You can easily imagine her agony. Would she feel punished instead of blessed? Would she even bother to tell her family? And if she did, would they tell her not to allow herself to fall in love with the child? As difficult as this thought may be, many women facing infertility trouble carry these "almosts" with them the rest of their life.

My sister, Noel, is one such person, having lost her first two pregnancies. The first she lost at 8 weeks, and I'm ashamed to say that I don't recall comforting her. Her second she lost at 11 weeks -- at the time I was sick and pregnant with Morgan and, again, I was of no help to her.

Noel named these two babies, which made a lot of people uncomfortable. Some would rather call these little ones "almosts" and go on with life. But my brave sister named them and acknowledged their lives, brief though they were. She gave them great names...thoughtful names...not bottom of the barrel ones: Ellise Noel, and Samuel Creighton.

It's been several weeks since we lost our last pregnancy and for the most part, Dan and I are doing really well. I try not to dwell on the fact that I ALMOST met Simon Michael or would have ALMOST been at 9 months with the June pregnancy. It's too much to bear. I'm learning to get rid of my "almosts" and move on with life.

Besides, I'll MOST CERTAINLY meet these little ones...one day.