The Back Story

I'd like to tell the story, the whole story, behind our most recent miscarriage.

At the beginning of 2006 you would find Dan and I struggling to make it through each day. Dan was still not allowed drive (due to his seizure) and some very generous friends agreed to drive him to AND from work each day. At the time I was still working, leaving home at 7am each day and returning around 6pm. I dropped off and picked up Morgan from daycare. If I needed to do grocery shopping during the week, it had to happen earlier than 7am. It was a difficult period of our life.

Before I continue I'd like to say for the record that I am NOT preaching about being a stay-at-home mother. Not at all. Each family needs to determine what their family's needs are.

Without going into detail, I was struggling with some pretty significant health problems. When I finally had the courage to address my health issues, the underlying issues were anger and fear. I was afraid we wouldn't be able to live on one salary; I was angry and felt I had to "save the day". After talking to Dan about the logistics of me coming home again and asking for God's green light, I gave my notice at work. It wasn't easy. I really LIKED working. My art director, Cari Owen, was a pleasure to work with as well as my other Sanford employee friends. Fortunately, Cari is also a mother of a preschooler and understood.

I came to be a stay-at-home mother in June. Dan and I had it in mind that Morgan should have a sibling one day, so we started trying. We immediately became pregnant, just as we had in our first pregnancy. We were elated. At that same time, I felt that our family had been called to more of "faith" living. By this I mean that we would take our fears to God instead of trying to fret and correct everything ourselves. (No amount of fretting will undo a seizure, for example.) When troubles came my way, I tended to absorb them, do EVERYTHING in my power to correct them and in the end I tended to be angry at SOMEONE... God, Dan, friends. But now, I believed that everything had to filter through God first.

If memory serves, the June pregnancy test was our first act of this new life of faith. I had a feeling I was pregnant. I decided to pray before I took the test: "God, if you want us to have another baby, it's your call. Help me to accept whatever your answer is." I was glad to see a positive pregnancy response on our kit.

A scant 6 weeks later, we lost the pregnancy. This was quite a curve ball for us. It was a very difficult grieving process for us. After all, I had ALREADY offered God the opportunity to let us have the pregnancy or not. Miscarriage was not an option I gave God. Half the grieving emotions of the miscarriage were for the baby; the other half were for all those funny, controlling issues I always had: But my children will be OVER three years apart! and other random, unimportant feelings that had nothing to do with the loss of this pregnancy.

Due to unforseen circumstances, Dan and I appeared to be pregnant again in August. We had a "chemical pregnancy" which is a very early pregnancy loss. Typically it is lost at the same time the woman's cycle comes, so most women don't even know they HAVE a miscarriage. I knew. That cramping, awful feeling was unmistakable. A pregnancy test confirmed a pregnancy. My doc said the hormone was left over from July and I believed him. He said we were not pregnant.

Dan and I took a break and were able to conceive again in October. Another chemical pregnancy. This time I was mad and insisted that my doctor put me on Clomid and progesterone. My sister had had two miscarriages and found this combination to help her keep her next two pregnancies. My doc was reluctant; in his mind I had only one miscarriage, but he conceded.

In Decemeber, we worked with the doc to conceive again. Immediately we conceived. It didn't surprise me that we conceived on our first try. My doctor may not recognize our last two pregnancies, but I believed that every time we tried to conceive, we did.

It was beautiful beginning a life in December. I allowed myself to become excited about the 6-7 week mark. We shared our good news with friends early, expecting the pregnancy sickness in a few weeks. The sickness came and then... the baby left.

When this last loss came, I grieved differently. I felt mad at my doc for not listening to me earlier. I felt tired of trying and losing babies. But most of all, I felt confused why God would allow me to be home with my daughter, give the green light for having more children and then take them away, again and again.

Except for in church, I haven't really read my Bible since the miscarriage. I'm not mad at God. At least I don't think so. But I am tired and confused and don't want theology pushed down my throat at this time. Seems every time I try to live in a more faith based fashion, very, very bad things happen. I knew God was in control, but I didn't want to talk to him yet.

Today I was reading John Ortberg's book, "If You Want To Walk on Water, You Have To Get Out of the Boat". It's a book about faith. I skipped to chapter 8, the part about failure. I have devoted my mind, body and will to having a baby since last June. And my body has failed a LOT. It's difficult telling people you're expecting, showing signs of such pregnancy and losing it. They won't admit it, but friends and family get emotionally tired of being told this up and down story. I actually had one person advise me to stop trying. I think she was tired of hearing our story. I understand.

But I don't think God is telling us to stop trying. I think my body is prone to problems because of sin in the world and I see a pattern of conceiving and losing pregnancies. But I feel very strongly that my body is able to carry a pregnancy again.

So what is the point of this blog, you ask? It's the story of faith, the back story of our miscarriages. On the surface, there is a series of stories about failure and lost life. But this whole time, God has been calling me to trusting him more and more. I still don't understand why I need to suffer more loss. It's a mystery. But I trust him anyway.

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Post Script: I have several friends right now who are having difficulty just conceiving. For some reason, God has not opened that door for them yet. Not conceiving is a different grieving process than conceiving and miscarrying and I recognize that. May God grant you the hope and persistance you need in your special circumstances.