Letting God be God

This is a bit of a hard post for me to write. But I feel compelled to do it anyway.

I've observed something about myself during trials: My sin becomes even more evident.

This is odd to me. One should get a "get out of jail free" card during this period.

In the more rhythmic times of life, I can generally coast with a heartfelt, theological "grace is mine" sort of tamber.

But during the really difficult times of life, I see my true colors.

First, a caveat: Christians love to slam-fest themselves. It seems "righteous" I think. Just look at Paul in the Bible, calling himself "chief of sinners". Sorry, Paul, but that is wrong theology. Ain't no hierarchy of sinners in the Bible. (Paul strikes me as a bit of a drama king, but that's another topic altogether.)

My point is, I'm already pretty grounded right now. My nose is to the grindstone of basic theological principles: God is good, I'm a sinner sort of principles. And yet in the midst of this hole, I'm aware of very awful things about myself: I'm a pretty judgmental person. I feel entitled to a lot. Sometimes when I show grace, it's because it's the nice thing to do, not because I'm aware of the infinite hourly grace that causes me to be in God's gaze.

One of the most difficult things for me to let go of is control of others. Seriously. I'm one controlling person. I want to be in the midst of the yuck and yum of everyone's adventure. I want to be with them, pray for them and, in true maternal fashion, guide them. I'm an expert, you know. *wink*

So it's kind of hard for me to accept the lavish gifts that friends have brought to me. E-prayers. Gift baskets laden with magnificent muffins and cards. Towers of salty and sweet snacks. Creative gifts. Loving words. Post-it notes with fun sayings on them. Kindness. And lots of grace for when I fly off the handle and say mean things because my heart feels too raw to filter them. I am receiving gifts from people for whom I have thought mean or demeaning or judgmental things before. There is some real dirt there.

I don't like to be on the receiving end of grace. But there it is- Covering my judgmentalness and forcing the Pollyanna out of my skin. It appears that I'm in great need of it.

Today, I had a revelation when thinking about Job: I just now realized what Job's problem was: He needed to let God be God. Job lived righteously before God and had a close walk with God. But in the end, God wanted Job to know, "Sure, we're close. We're family. We're even friends. But I'm God and you have to let me be God. I make the final decisions."

God's message to me is similar: "Emily, I'm God. I'm your Father. I'm your friend. But in the end, I'm God. I'm the Creator and not the created. I call the shots and though you think you should have a say in it, it's really my decision. Try to let go of your fears and definitely ditch that entitlement attitude. I got it covered. Oh- and one more thing- I love you."