A confession, friends. I am very moody lately. I haven't wanted to blog because I'm afraid I'll come across as a bull in a china shop, which is exactly how I feel inside.
It's hormones, I know it is. It's the sad reality of being a woman. Earlier this week I wanted a baby so badly that I nearly flew myself to another country to adopt one. And then today... a quiet storm inside. No urges. Just a gentle pang.
The absolute irony is that I'm NOT a baby person. Repeat: NOT a baby person. I like other people's babies, but in truth I am a better parent to slightly older children. Morgan would deny this claim, but its true. So how on God's green earth I came to be blogging about having another baby is a mystery to me.
My friends who are going through fertility issues will be able to relate to this: The absolutely worst part about fertiliy issues is the constant ramping up of courage and good attitude. We're encouraged to picture the end result and employ positive thinking. The medical community, in a gesture of charity, bestows every known method of baby making knowledge to us. The information is so thick and laden with choices that the receiver must chug it down until time allows for the information to actually set in and make sense. No bones about it... it's work.
Just this week a well meaning person told me that in her experience with IVF, one must "try not to think about it" when they throw the extra fertilized eggs away. My insides grimaced. The ethical dilemmas of infertility solutions are so deep that galoshes are required.
But then this good news: I spoke to a very wise woman today. My sister Noel said something so simple and profound that I could have hit myself for not thinking of it earlier. She said, "No matter what mood you're in... if you've been pleasing God or not, if you've been a controlling maniac or a calm, patient person... in the end the only way to have a baby is by God's grace. It's no work of your own."
The peace set in once again. The bull was ousted from the china shop.
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2 comments:
Those are wise words. It's amazing to think that everything won't happen unless by the grace/will of God (finding frindships, overcoming a death, searching for a husband...) But He knows your heart. Continually praying... Sarah
Noel is one wise woman. I can't imagine the emotional struggle you must be going through right now, Em. But God has been, is and will be God. I hope that you cling to knowing that He is full of grace, and knows your heart, and has already laid out this plan for you...He's not surprised by any of it, and is full of compassion for you.
I love you, friend!
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