Good news. I have broken through some pretty negative lies that I've been believing about myself.
For a really, really long time, every morning I wake up with this thought: "Something is not right."
It's a subtle thought. I don't start the day weeping or in anger. It's more of an aching belief that I hold in the recesses of my mind: "Something is not right."
The "thing" that is not right is, of course, our losses. My pitbullesque instinct to hold onto something until it gives me the result I want is, well, wanting. Each time I ask, "Why?" I get an answer which registers to me as "Does not compute. Does not compute." Something is not right.
Today, I finally had the courage to ask myself why I felt a pit in my stomach every single day. The answer that came back was startling to me: I believed myself to be outside the will of God.
When I really searched my thought life, I realized that I have been obeying God in a robotic fashion. It's somewhat necessary when the emotions go through such turmoil. But I never turned them back "on" again. I chalked up my silent situation to God putting me on the back burner. After all, there are worse things than having miscarriages. A lot of people suffer. God sees my situation but he hasn't determined a verdict yet. Back burner for now.
So today, it hit me: I AM in the will of God. God knows. God hears. And for now, this waiting period, this silence, is His answer. I am in the will of God.
This was hard for me to swallow at first. I don't want THIS to be the will of God. I don't want to be here. I want to push the pause button on life until the suffering is over. This isn't REALLY life. When all this terrible mess blows over, then life will REALLY begin. I swept it under the rug.
This was the answer given me: "No, Emily. Life is now. You are God's child now. And this is His will."
I have friends who have lost their spouses, jobs, pregnancies, hope and possessions. But this message is for everyone in whatever aching sadness pervades their daily life: Suffering does not mean that one is outside of God's will. Often suffering is his will.
Ah, the mysterious, loving, care-filled, vigilant and frustrating will of God. So glad I am in it.
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4 comments:
Wow, Emily, I am truly empowered by your words. To come to that realization is a big accomplishment. And even in the midst of the pain and struggle you've had to endure. God Bless. And thank you also for your very encouraging comments on my Blog.
Memories may fade, but you'll hold onto them for a lifetime. The future won't replace the past, but we can use the memories of the past to enrich our future. In some sort of odd way, the good and the bad make life a bit more beautiful; and God has made everything beautiful in His time. Thanks for sharing your learning about God, Em!
Em, I am always blown away by your ability to reflect so honestly and truthfully. You are so right in saying that sometimes His will is for us to wait. It IS a good place to be.
K
I have often looked back on my own suffering and seen how God's will at that time was not my own.
BUT, I think where you are...being in the midst of the suffering, and being able to say "Yes, God...I am in your will" is AMAZING! That is testimony to God's grace and working in your life, and it is quite an inspiration!
Much love to you, my sweet friend!
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